Your face is a jimmy john
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Randomize
