Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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