I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I cut my penus on the lid.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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