I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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