i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
