Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
