got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
