i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
