so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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