I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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