I just saw a hot homeless man
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
