i jhust puked up my retainher.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
