if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I deserve this hangover.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
