I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
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I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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