he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
