he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
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I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
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He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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