but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
