You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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