Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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