considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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