my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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