I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
