I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
