Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Couch. On fire.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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