she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
