You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
