i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
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Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
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Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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