I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
