I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
