did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
