omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
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there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
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We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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