I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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