I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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