Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Ketchup is God's man juice
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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