i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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