I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Randomize
