Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
