I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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