I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
