8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
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