Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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