My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
