i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Randomize
