sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I love you.
Bad choice
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
