so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
