dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
