Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
