wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
