I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
