You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
