Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
