I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
