Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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