My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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