Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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