i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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