Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
