I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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