saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
