I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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